These days more people are on a spiritual, self-aware journey than ever known before. Personally I have become more aware of things I was oblivious to my first 30 years of life. For instance, I did not understand how my thoughts worked in the land of self creation and attraction. I had no idea there is a law to attraction. No one ever told me my thoughts determine my life (and if they did, I clearly didn’t listen). I had always known actions are responsible for part of the existence we live. If you do nothing but sit on a couch watching television, nothing but television will come to you. If you work hard, wisely, long, and without ceasing, success comes to you. Good begets good and bad begets bad. It wasn’t until I began to step out of my norm did I learn the truth about our world. God created the earth and man. Man creates the world around him. But we base our actions on our thoughts which determines our life’s return of interest.
My Life Now
Today I sit in a state of hope as my life looks crumbled before me. I have no viable source of income to date. I’m newly separated from my husband. I can’t afford a divorce lawyer. I live in my brother’s basement. There’s a possibility I will be officially homeless in less than two months. I have debt that’s almost criminal. No car, not many resources, not much financial help with my son, nothing that would make most people feel life is worth living.
All I have now is a glimmer of hope as some call it. I have hope and a spiritual understanding that nothing remains the same and life can change for the better. However, I had to learn the hard way – the best life changes start with the individual.
I’ve heard people say you are what you think, and you attract who you are. To me, those were just more clichés in a barrel. Clichés designed to annoy people, confuse people, go over people’s head. What I didn’t know is that someone had already figured out some major keys to living the life you want and in the form of a future cliché tried to help me and millions of other people change the outcome of their future.
Where Things Went Wrong
It’s easy to sit and blame my life on others, but the truth is I am responsible for where I am today. I had a little help (very little), but I am 100% responsible.
To start, I spent a great deal of my life scared to do, be, think, put forth effort and live. I felt life didn’t need me, nobody cared enough and nothing truly mattered. If it were meant to be, it wasn’t all up to me. I didn’t appreciate the life experience enough to say, “Hey God, thank you for this opportunity. Let me show my appreciation by doing something with the amazing gifts you’ve given me.” I didn’t value MY life.
I thought it was safer to stay in a solitary world , not making waves and living invisibly. I thought keeping my distance from the world kept me from hurting, but I was only fooling myself. I spent years afraid to take chances, make decisions, and be responsible. I spent those years living as an ignorant fool.
When I met my husband I was working a job I hated, living with my mother, driving a car I struggled to pay for every month and doing absolutely nothing meaningful or positive with my life. I was so discontent I could have easily walked off the face of the earth, thought nothing more of it and felt the world would have been better because of it. I not only had nothing and did nothing, in my mind, I was nothing. Not even Stuart Smalley could help me at that point.
Then one day with what seemed out of nowhere I fell in love. I knew it was love because I had never experienced such strong feelings for anyone before the way I did at that time. I thought this is great, I found love. I can’t believe it. Never thought it would happen to me. The gentleman routine wooed me. He opened doors, he bought cards and made sweet gestures. He was too good to be (fill in the blank). He was also a man I met in the low point of his life just beginning to rise up from the ashes. I wondered how could the world turn away from a person with such a good heart?
At the same time I thought, If he’s so good, what qualifies me to have him? Nothing I thought of permitted me to receive love, be in love or give love. How could I be so lucky to find a man who, though he didn’t have much to his name, had a good heart, good personality and great sex? I was more doubtful than Thomas from the bible, but I found a man who made me feel good in multiple ways. And I thought accepting him in his circumstance meant I wasn’t a shallow gold digger. That was something I could feel proud about.
Not long after we met, the brick finally came crashing through the window. I got to see a side of him I hadn’t seen in any man I had ever dated. In my eyes, we hadn’t been together long enough for our crazy sides to appear. The other side of him was confrontational and mean. This side was not sweet and loving and didn’t care about my feelings. This side didn’t want to live in peace and harmony like I did. This side had no idea the love I had experienced, no idea what love was. This side was cuckoo for coco puffs. Yet I still chose to marry him. He became the father of my child. And it felt good being in love and getting married to the man I shared a life with.
I created the idea his behavior was a product of all the negative things that happened in his life. Maybe it was difficult for him to understand I truly cared for and loved him. That was not the real him. I should have known I couldn’t get a man who was sweet, kind and loving. I should have known I didn’t deserve happiness. I should have known happiness wouldn’t last and didn’t exist.
Back then, just ten years ago, I still had no idea that my thoughts blended with my actions and acceptance of behaviors around me created my world – good or bad. And since my husband is my longest and honestly my only real relationship, I had no comparison of good or bad. I knew nothing about positive relationships nor how relationships should work. I was clueless and feeling my way through. Furthermore, I gave him credit for having been married before. I thought, he has more experience than me. He knows more about relationships than I do. That should count for something. I know a good man lives inside somewhere.
The Law of Attraction
The law of attraction simply stated is the attraction of things in your world based on your thoughts because your thoughts produce your actions. Therefore, we are what we think. Like does attract like. And if that is the case, the world as we know it, is not the world as it really is. We can have, be, do whatever we set our mind to, if our mind believes we are capable.
I hope you notice I told you about my life in two separate time periods where my circumstances are extremely similar. The only difference is I traded in my car payments for a young child who now depends on my survival. I spent a great deal of my adulthood believing and nearly chanting, there has to be something better than this. Whatever this was at the time, if I didn’t think an action served me – I wanted something better. What I had not yet learned is something better would only come when I got better. There’s a saying, ” Don’t ask God to change your situation, ask him to change you.” I needed change in my thought process, in my level of knowledge and in my level understanding. And unfortunately it took difficult situations to teach me how to seek out the change my heart desperately desired.
The good news is I am changing. I’m taking steps to become wiser, more knowledgeable and gain understanding of things that are difficult for me to grasp, like the law of attraction. For instance, recently I sat and thought about the debt my husband accrued without my consent or knowledge. That’s when the understanding the law of attraction finally began to sink in. I’m sure you can tell from the italic statements above, I lacked self-esteem and self-love in the past. Because I lacked, I suffered and tortured myself with love that wasn’t real, a life I should not have been trying to live, and a lack of success and happiness I didn’t deserve.
My initial thought was to attempt to figure out how to weasel out of the debt my husband accrued without my knowledge and definitely without my consent. I thought why should he benefit from me paying debt he accrued sneaking around, lying and being irresponsible? But I WAS WRONG! What I failed to understand is hurting him also hurts me. Suppose I erase all debt except those I refused to pay due to his carelessness and unconcern? My future and success lies in his hands. My life now becomes under his control. I’m still accepting and condoning irresponsibility therefore the law says I will attract more of it. The law of attraction and a deep sense of spiritual guidance showed me, it was my irresponsibility that led to the situations in MY life. It was my lack of knowledge that created the ditch similar to the one I once met my husband seemingly trying to climb out of. It was my hatred of self that caused me to accept whatever came my way as that’s the way life goes when you’re undeserving. It was my Eeyore attitude that kept the rain falling in my life and the pity party constantly going.
The End of an Era
Nothing makes you dig deep like dire circumstances and painful situations. I spent a great deal of my marriage seeking God and various sources to show me how to deal with my life and turn it around. At some point, the Lord answered my prayers and I began learning the meaning of it all. Why I didn’t have, why I would never have, why I didn’t deserve to have. The answer to it all was me. I never believed I could, would or should have the best. I never believed in me. Therefore, I attracted others who verified my belief. My expectations were low and pitiful and life showed me just that – through the jobs I worked, the people I dated, the way I lived. I neither looked, spoke, thought, nor behaved like a person who was born to have the best. God promises the best for us (Jeremiah 29:11). And if our creator wants us to have more, then why shouldn’t we feel the same way?
My experiences in the last 10 years have revealed my strengths, my weaknesses, my impairments as well as my inhibitors. In the past I had no idea of my capabilities. Old habits are hard to break but one thing is for sure; today I am a person of great purpose, power and productivity, I deserve the best because God promises me the best and I give my best. I’m designed to create generations of wealth, love and knowledge. I know where I’m going (if not yet how). I no longer run from change and making attempts to succeed. I’ve decided to LIVE. I appreciate all that I’ve experienced. I love learning because it makes me better. Experience qualifies me. I take full responsibility for allowing irresponsibility, ignorance and foolishness to play out scenes of mediocrity right in front of me. I’ve learned from my past and allowed it to make me wiser for the future. Victory is mine because I carry hope, love and faith on the inside. Now I’m on a mission to be the change I want to see (there’s another cliché for you) the change I want to attract.